Hypocrisy: How it Plays Out

Setting: Saturday morning, my kitchen table

Maverick (grabbing his keys off the counter): I’m going to get Starbucks.
Me (folding a load of laundry): While you’re out, can you pick up some turkey to make sandwiches for lunch?
Maverick (sarcastically) : Why do you need to buy more food? You just went to Publix the other day and spent $300. We have plenty here.
Me (doubly sarcastic): Because I don’t feel like spending my entire day in this kitchen preparing breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner and dessert. I thought turkey sandwiches would be fast and easy. Forget it. Just get me a iced quad grande non-fat three Equal extra-ice latte. Thanks.

About thirty minutes later.
Me (phone in hand, lounging on a pool chair, enjoying my 30 minutes of quiet-time): Where are you guys? I just made lunch.
Maverick: Just picking up ‘Bucks. Lunch? Camryn just had a yogurt here because she was hungry.
Me (jumping off my chair in amazement): What? You just spent money on yogurt? I have yogurt here from Publix! And you’d better not have ordered Maya chocolate milk because I have that here too! You kill me! (Click. Silence.)

Five minutes later.
Maverick (kneeling at my lounge chair): What? Are you mad at me?
Me: Yes, unless you admit you’re a hypocrite!
Maverick (with a wink and a smile and knowing full well I’m completely right): I’ll never admit that…

Setting: Evening, in my living room
Group: We’re getting hungry! What’s for dinner?
Me to Maverick: Want to bring in sushi for us? I can make the kids homemade tacos.
Maverick (repeating himself): What? Why do you want to bring in? We have tons of food in the fridge to make. You just spent hundreds of dollars…(fade to black. Discontinue listening.)
Me (red-faced from frustration): That’s right. We do have food to make, but I don’t feel like cooking! I work all week and you hang out with the kids. Then I come home and spend so much time making everyone delicious, healthy, home cooked meals, while you hang out with them. I’d rather spend less time in the kitchen and more time with my kids.
Maverick: Well, we have mahi-mahi filets in the fridge. I’ll make dinner then!
Me (smiling): Great, I love that idea! I’m going to shower. Just call me whenever dinner is ready!

Thirty minutes later.
Me (walking into the kitchen, fresh, relaxed and dressed): How long until dinner is ready?
Maverick: How about we order in from Park Avenue BBQ?