Viagra Handshakes

Tonight I read a blog post about Viagra Handshakes. (ed. note. Click the words Viagra Handshakes and read the post I'm referring to...)I laughed at the concept, but as I contemplated my Viagra handshake, I suddenly felt pissed off.

Every woman should learn to have a Viagra handshake. Whether it's for the sake of a job interview or for an introduction to a mutual friend, women should shake hands as strongly as a penis on Viagra. Like men. It signals to men that we can make decisions, be firm, go toe-to-toe with them. It shows we have strength and determination. The will to kick ass. And it's way sexier than a soft, delicate handshake, anyhow.

Much of my early career was spent working in the timeshare and banking industries. Both extremely well known for being boys clubs. Where women could never quite get promoted above her male boss. These boys ran the show and women were just not allowed in the sandbox. Sure one or two with breasts had a big toe dangling over the edge, but those women were still sat at the kiddie table on Thanksgiving.

The men may be smart, but the women were often smarter and savvier. Women knew that to even keep up, a Viagra handshake was critical, even if it seemingly made no difference in title or pay levels. Truth be told, behind every powerful man was a workhorse wonder of a woman.

I worked for several of those men. One guy asked me to do the impossible and then when I pulled it off, he took all the credit. Another schmuck hired me because he thought I was cute, which I disappointingly learned after trusting his as my mentor.

Then there was the little Napoleon-man who snorted. I had to suffer through Monday morning updates with his other direct report, who also happened to be his best friend. They bickered like a sex-deprived married couple. Seriously, it was that bad. My accomplishments were never rewarded like Napoleon's "wife" was, even though I kicked ass and exceeded my goals, unlike the little woman. And why should I have been? Just because I earned it? Wrong. I still didn't have the merchandise between the legs to justify recognition.

I had the BIG boss who I was required to refer to as "Mr. So & So. " He was so big and important, I was prohibited to call him by his first name. He once scolded me that if I wanted to be a "big girl", Tracy, I'm just going to have to learn how to "play with the big boys" and "sit quietly" while the "MEN" made decisions of this "Magnitude". Seriously.

So, if a man asks if a woman needs to have a Viagra handshake, my response is absa-fucking-lutely. I'll pump your hand, Viagra-style, because I'm just as good as you, man. Not to earn your respect, but just because if I wanted, I bet I could kick your ass, too.

PS. One insanely interesting fact: The active ingredient in Viagra can be found naturally in walnuts.